030614 – Want or Not?

I have never really understood myself.
but who can be so sure of what they want.
maybe I have never met,
maybe I have met but haven’t realized,
maybe its cause I have never really bothered asking.

the only thing that I know and believed is that life is unpredictable,
so why plan about tomorrow if I wasn’t even sure if I can live past today?
its an evil thought.
I live for now,
looked at the past,
but never moving on to the future.
so maybe I should start from changing myself?

it all boiled down to me just having back my results.
trust me,
I have never studied hard,
cause I felt that the degree wasn’t what I wanted,
its what I needed.
so I was just floating around in school and if you were to ask me why I chose NTU and got into engineering which I didn’t have any interest in;
its cause of the name.
yes I admit im superficial,
who cares?

before the release of results,
I was very worried that I would fail any modules and truth be told,
I cant afford a drop in CGPA.
sleepless nights thinking back about the papers and how I should have answered,
when I got back results,
I didn’t fail any and no drop in CGPA.
but I wasn’t happy at all.
I thought that was all I wanted.
I thought if I were to have the results that I have gotten now,
I would be happy,
but I wasn’t.
so what was it that I wanted?
just a bit better than what I have gotten,
or straight Bs?
or even straight As?
I don’t know.
the problem lies with me not knowing,
that’s why I accepted everything that life has given me.
I always tell myself that I must live in contentment and be thankful for everything and everyone around me…
but this sense of contentment is leading me to a life with no hope or dream.
I did feel sad about it.

just like after exams,
I did not know what I wanted to do.
to work or to slack.
I came up with excuses…
that’s why I slacked while looking for a job,
believing that something will just come along the way.
yes it did.
a promoter working shifts and all.
was that what I wanted?
I don’t know,
but I accepted.

it applies to maybe I think that there’s this thing that I wanted,
in the end maybe it turned out that I have gotten it and realized its not what I wanted,
or it wasn’t what I expected,
do I still want?
but this is more about expectations versus reality.
or maybe I want it just because I didn’t get it?
you tend to desire the things you cant get.

maybe its really true that without the desire you cant get anything you want.
its time to reflect on what I really want in life,
it will be a long process,
just let me think about what I want at this point in life.